I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
