Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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