I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
