I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
