i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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