Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
