maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
