I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
