is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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