DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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