I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
