Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
