please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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