If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
