saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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