mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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