I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
