Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
