He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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