Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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