im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
