All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
