I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize