I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
