my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He kissed a someone with a penis
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
