Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
