im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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