Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
