Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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