I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
