my mouth tastes like poor choices
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
