I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
