you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
