I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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