I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
