i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
