the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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