Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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