If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
