Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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