I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize