your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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