Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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