so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
