Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize