Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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