I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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