just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Ladies don't puke and tell
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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