Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
