Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
