remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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