Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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