I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
