Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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