i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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