I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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