Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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