We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize